Thursday, January 10, 2008
nearly two months! was sure I had blogged more recently.
not too much time to say much at this stage; the terrible news is that yes, I did go and ask my cousin about possibly being a surrogate and no, she wasn't in a position to (which was fine by me)...had a lovely afternoon with her, thought "must go and see her and her three-year-old more often"...and a week later she had a stroke, at 42. She was OK for a couple of weeks, then it happened again. And now i have a funeral to go to next week, and selfishly, I am all the more affected because my greatest fear with A. is dying and leaving him without a mother. (well, there are other fears, but none rational; just the usual paranoid mum stuff.)
surrogacy issues were on backburner anyway, I don't know what I want...and I have to come to terms with this...we were little girls together, lost contact, regained contacted...and she's gone.
not too much time to say much at this stage; the terrible news is that yes, I did go and ask my cousin about possibly being a surrogate and no, she wasn't in a position to (which was fine by me)...had a lovely afternoon with her, thought "must go and see her and her three-year-old more often"...and a week later she had a stroke, at 42. She was OK for a couple of weeks, then it happened again. And now i have a funeral to go to next week, and selfishly, I am all the more affected because my greatest fear with A. is dying and leaving him without a mother. (well, there are other fears, but none rational; just the usual paranoid mum stuff.)
surrogacy issues were on backburner anyway, I don't know what I want...and I have to come to terms with this...we were little girls together, lost contact, regained contacted...and she's gone.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
starting to look around...putting out feelers in certain online forums and have asked a friend for contact details for a woman I hardly know who once said in my hearing that she would love to be a surrogate...had a big cry this morning about not having my little two-year-old...and of course in my imagination it would be a girl...veering between letting this go and going full-on into it...counsellor on Thursday, I wonder if that will help?
4th birthday for A was a big success: park party, no entertainers, kids running around having fun. kept him home from childcare for most of his birthday; we had brunch, did craft, he had a big afternoon sleep and then he had cake and a play at childcare while I had a swim.
he's suddenly added a dove-like rrrrr to his speech. he's getting bigger every day.
4th birthday for A was a big success: park party, no entertainers, kids running around having fun. kept him home from childcare for most of his birthday; we had brunch, did craft, he had a big afternoon sleep and then he had cake and a play at childcare while I had a swim.
he's suddenly added a dove-like rrrrr to his speech. he's getting bigger every day.
Monday, November 05, 2007
impetigo...at least this isn't cold sores. but it clearly says in these guidelines that the sores should be covered...also that the kid should be kept home...not sure if he'll be going to childcare Thursday at this rate...there was a notice up on the door of the childcare centre saying one case of this had been reported, so I guess it's that.
late. husband still interstate with parents. should be in bed.
while I was interstate I called back the counselling service at the IVF clinic. I'd left a message about coming in to talk about what's involved in surrogacy - have also made an appointment with my IVF dr - and the counselling service had called me - so when I got the woman on the phone, I said I wanted to come in and see a counsellor who was familiar with the area. and she said "it's actually illegal in Victoria". at which point I realised I was talking to someone with NO IDEA and got on my high horse with namedropping of my ivf dr, who is recommending this as the way to go, the Law Reform Commission, to which I have made a submission, the fact that I've read the legislation and it's NOT illegal...and then I more or less said I wanted to make an appointment with someone who had a clue. I hope to God that girl was a receptionist, not a counsellor. she rang back 20 mins later with some names...and in that 20 minutes I realised that my personality is such that the more I'm said "no" to, the more I will fight this. sigh. husband relationship still crap, have had no discussion of all this. and of course, have no idea who on Earth could be a surrogate for us. all my female friends have pg problems, or are simply not interested in doing it. if I did it, I would like it to be someone who is really, really keen. or who we can pay a lot so she gets something out of it. but that IS illegal here. maybe will know more after meeting counsellor next week - hope she has a clue.
and A. has probably got cold sores! he has had a small weeping sore beside his nose for about a week; over the weekend he had a temperature and really poor sleep (yes while we were at inlaws. sigh again) - bad enough for me to think "I want another baby why?". then I get him to childcare today, with the sore covered in disinfectant cream and a cut-down bandaid, and a carer casually mentions that kid X has cold sores - in fact, I see, a face covered in them. this particular kid seems to have a crush on A. - hugs him and so on. the carer sees my shock, says "oh, it's not an exclusion", meaning that the law doesn't say you have to keep a kid with coldsores home. but fuck, couldn't they at least COVER the sores on that kid so it doesn't spread? and warn the rest of us? or even just stop kid X from wiping his sores all over my kid? I'm seriously upset about it - coldsores are permanent and on the face, disfiguring. the poor little love has his Hi-5 bandaid over it but it's really yucky and sore. grrrr. seeing dr on Wednesday for confirmation, but I know there isn't much you can do once you have it - vitamins, creams etc, all just management.
while I was interstate I called back the counselling service at the IVF clinic. I'd left a message about coming in to talk about what's involved in surrogacy - have also made an appointment with my IVF dr - and the counselling service had called me - so when I got the woman on the phone, I said I wanted to come in and see a counsellor who was familiar with the area. and she said "it's actually illegal in Victoria". at which point I realised I was talking to someone with NO IDEA and got on my high horse with namedropping of my ivf dr, who is recommending this as the way to go, the Law Reform Commission, to which I have made a submission, the fact that I've read the legislation and it's NOT illegal...and then I more or less said I wanted to make an appointment with someone who had a clue. I hope to God that girl was a receptionist, not a counsellor. she rang back 20 mins later with some names...and in that 20 minutes I realised that my personality is such that the more I'm said "no" to, the more I will fight this. sigh. husband relationship still crap, have had no discussion of all this. and of course, have no idea who on Earth could be a surrogate for us. all my female friends have pg problems, or are simply not interested in doing it. if I did it, I would like it to be someone who is really, really keen. or who we can pay a lot so she gets something out of it. but that IS illegal here. maybe will know more after meeting counsellor next week - hope she has a clue.
and A. has probably got cold sores! he has had a small weeping sore beside his nose for about a week; over the weekend he had a temperature and really poor sleep (yes while we were at inlaws. sigh again) - bad enough for me to think "I want another baby why?". then I get him to childcare today, with the sore covered in disinfectant cream and a cut-down bandaid, and a carer casually mentions that kid X has cold sores - in fact, I see, a face covered in them. this particular kid seems to have a crush on A. - hugs him and so on. the carer sees my shock, says "oh, it's not an exclusion", meaning that the law doesn't say you have to keep a kid with coldsores home. but fuck, couldn't they at least COVER the sores on that kid so it doesn't spread? and warn the rest of us? or even just stop kid X from wiping his sores all over my kid? I'm seriously upset about it - coldsores are permanent and on the face, disfiguring. the poor little love has his Hi-5 bandaid over it but it's really yucky and sore. grrrr. seeing dr on Wednesday for confirmation, but I know there isn't much you can do once you have it - vitamins, creams etc, all just management.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
so it's like this: the gun has 20 chambers. three years ago, 12 of them had bullets in them. spin and fire. A year later, after surgery, chemo, radio, there were eight bullets. spin and fire. now, after two subsequent years of daily pills and monthly shots and day after day simply not getting cancer again, there are still six bullets in that gun. if I make it through another three years, going to bed every night without having got cancer again that day, and if I take my pills and shots all that time, there'll be "only" three bullets left - a 15% chance of recurrence.
but if I stop the medication to get pregnant, possible effects of pregnancy itself aside, I'm effectively voting to leave three bullets in the gun.
this is the considered opinion of my apparently very competent and caring, yet brutally honest oncologist. the numbers are his. the metaphor is mine. I am of course now convinced that the next embryo would have been a little girl.
dh and I have not had a chance to discuss these figures, given in yesterday's review consultation. there seems to me so little to discuss that I rode my bike home, fast in order to catch kindy before it closed, with tears streaming down my face all the way up Wellington Street, and I didn't care who saw.
the only option left is surrogacy. I was so hopeful (and why didn't the oncologist give me these numbers three years ago anyway?) that I haven't investigated that (though I did have my say on the LIV review) ; have only the slimmest of possibilities, even if the law changes; have little expectation that husband will "go for" it; have serious doubts about whether I could do a paid surrogacy. waiting three more years really doesn't make much sense - it would be such a big gap from A, and I would be so old - 45.
veering between a kind of fatalistic acceptance to kick-in-the-guts denial. if past performance is much to go by, husband will not address this until I bring it up. not sure if I can stay with him if he doesn't want this as I want it; not sure I can get past my belief that his neglect helped the cancer go unnotticed for so long, hence those awful figures; not sure of anything, not sure.
(and a factoid from my childhood: I have two older brothers. my parents explained to me, all my growing up, that they had a third child because they wanted a girl. they wanted me. In a subconscious way, I suspect I feel that that little girl deserves the same effort; that she is me. oh illogical and all that. life's not *&^@ logical. )
but if I stop the medication to get pregnant, possible effects of pregnancy itself aside, I'm effectively voting to leave three bullets in the gun.
this is the considered opinion of my apparently very competent and caring, yet brutally honest oncologist. the numbers are his. the metaphor is mine. I am of course now convinced that the next embryo would have been a little girl.
dh and I have not had a chance to discuss these figures, given in yesterday's review consultation. there seems to me so little to discuss that I rode my bike home, fast in order to catch kindy before it closed, with tears streaming down my face all the way up Wellington Street, and I didn't care who saw.
the only option left is surrogacy. I was so hopeful (and why didn't the oncologist give me these numbers three years ago anyway?) that I haven't investigated that (though I did have my say on the LIV review) ; have only the slimmest of possibilities, even if the law changes; have little expectation that husband will "go for" it; have serious doubts about whether I could do a paid surrogacy. waiting three more years really doesn't make much sense - it would be such a big gap from A, and I would be so old - 45.
veering between a kind of fatalistic acceptance to kick-in-the-guts denial. if past performance is much to go by, husband will not address this until I bring it up. not sure if I can stay with him if he doesn't want this as I want it; not sure I can get past my belief that his neglect helped the cancer go unnotticed for so long, hence those awful figures; not sure of anything, not sure.
(and a factoid from my childhood: I have two older brothers. my parents explained to me, all my growing up, that they had a third child because they wanted a girl. they wanted me. In a subconscious way, I suspect I feel that that little girl deserves the same effort; that she is me. oh illogical and all that. life's not *&^@ logical. )
so it's like this: the gun has 20 chambers. three years ago, 12 of them had bullets in them. spin and fire. A year later, after surgery, chemo, radio, there were eight bullets. spin and fire. now, after two subsequent years of daily pills and monthly shots and day after day simply not getting cancer again, there are still six bullets in that gun. if I make it through another three years, going to bed every night without having got cancer again that day, and if I take my pills and shots all that time, there'll be "only" three bullets left - a 15% chance of recurrence.
but if I stop the medication to get pregnant, possible effects of pregnancy itself aside, I'm effectively voting to leave three bullets in the gun.
this is the considered opinion of my apparently very competent and caring, yet brutally honest oncologist. the numbers are his. the metaphor is mine. I am of course now convinced that the next embryo would have been a little girl.
dh and I have not had a chance to discuss these figures, given in yesterday's review consultation. there seems to me so little to discuss that I rode my bike home, fast in order to catch kindy before it closed, with tears streaming down my face all the way up Wellington Street, and I didn't care who saw.
the only option left is surrogacy. I was so hopeful (and why didn't the oncologist give me these numbers three years ago anyway?) that I haven't investigated that (though I did have my say on the LIV review) ; have only the slimmest of possibilities, even if the law changes; have little expectation that husband will "go for" it; have serious doubts about whether I could do a paid surrogacy. waiting three more years really doesn't make much sense - it would be such a big gap from A, and I would be so old - 45.
veering between a kind of fatalistic acceptance to kick-in-the-guts denial. if past performance is much to go by, husband will not address this until I bring it up. not sure if I can stay with him if he doesn't want this as I want it; not sure I can get past my belief that his neglect helped the cancer go unnotticed for so long, hence those awful figures; not sure of anything, not sure.
but if I stop the medication to get pregnant, possible effects of pregnancy itself aside, I'm effectively voting to leave three bullets in the gun.
this is the considered opinion of my apparently very competent and caring, yet brutally honest oncologist. the numbers are his. the metaphor is mine. I am of course now convinced that the next embryo would have been a little girl.
dh and I have not had a chance to discuss these figures, given in yesterday's review consultation. there seems to me so little to discuss that I rode my bike home, fast in order to catch kindy before it closed, with tears streaming down my face all the way up Wellington Street, and I didn't care who saw.
the only option left is surrogacy. I was so hopeful (and why didn't the oncologist give me these numbers three years ago anyway?) that I haven't investigated that (though I did have my say on the LIV review) ; have only the slimmest of possibilities, even if the law changes; have little expectation that husband will "go for" it; have serious doubts about whether I could do a paid surrogacy. waiting three more years really doesn't make much sense - it would be such a big gap from A, and I would be so old - 45.
veering between a kind of fatalistic acceptance to kick-in-the-guts denial. if past performance is much to go by, husband will not address this until I bring it up. not sure if I can stay with him if he doesn't want this as I want it; not sure I can get past my belief that his neglect helped the cancer go unnotticed for so long, hence those awful figures; not sure of anything, not sure.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I was searching my archives for something: found a comment from Cancer, Baby and thought of her...then one from Cary, husband of Lori and clicked across for the first time in maybe a year...she died two days ago.
Goddamn this thing.
I am off to see the oncologist for a review/baby talk. I am lucky and happy to be alive.
Goddamn this thing.
I am off to see the oncologist for a review/baby talk. I am lucky and happy to be alive.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
saw the breast surgeon Wednesday. she has declined to offer a recommendation on the 2nd baby question; wants to speak to my oncologist first. as do I.
she said there are two ways of looking at it: the worst risk is over, so go ahead. or, that I've been very lucky and shouldn't push my luck. not in so many words, but that was the effect.
and she asked me: how much do you want another child? just that question. nothing more.
and that's what really got to me. my life is good now, apart from the sex problem. lots of exercise, a lovely boy about to turn 4, etc etc. do I really want to risk it all? neither option appeals. I don't want to give that baby up. I don't want to give my life up.
she said there are two ways of looking at it: the worst risk is over, so go ahead. or, that I've been very lucky and shouldn't push my luck. not in so many words, but that was the effect.
and she asked me: how much do you want another child? just that question. nothing more.
and that's what really got to me. my life is good now, apart from the sex problem. lots of exercise, a lovely boy about to turn 4, etc etc. do I really want to risk it all? neither option appeals. I don't want to give that baby up. I don't want to give my life up.
Monday, September 24, 2007
my book list is being weird; half a dozen books are missing at the bottom and no clues in the html. so this is a test post to republish in case that makes it work..
aargh. have got nowhere with my writing this morning. day got off to a crap start when I called the pool at 8 am to book kid in for swim classes - bookings opened today - only to be told that I had to physically go over there to book him in. blame husband for not checking this fact when he took kid in to be assessed. shout at husband, throw phone (lucky for husband he was already on way to work). go to pool in fear of losing spot in the half hour it took me to get there (no, they wouldn't hold it for me, they have a Policy). grumble at pool. staff roll eyes. entire HOUR wasted. hasn't the fucking City of Yarra heard of Internet bookings? credit cards over the phone? (not accepted)? even putting the actual schedule up online so I can see what it is I'm supposed to be asking for?
but at least we have a swim class - not the one I wanted, but as long as husband takes kid along, maybe he'll learn to swim. which, you know, actually matters?
husband is more and more on probation. the big talk only established that he doesn't think he has anything to make up to me re: Hong Kong. there was no "please have another kid, I'll do all I can to make it easy for you". no, apparently it's my attitude that is the problem. and we didn't even get onto the sex, or lack of, thing.
had better force myself to do something with this rare childcare time...
but at least we have a swim class - not the one I wanted, but as long as husband takes kid along, maybe he'll learn to swim. which, you know, actually matters?
husband is more and more on probation. the big talk only established that he doesn't think he has anything to make up to me re: Hong Kong. there was no "please have another kid, I'll do all I can to make it easy for you". no, apparently it's my attitude that is the problem. and we didn't even get onto the sex, or lack of, thing.
had better force myself to do something with this rare childcare time...
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